Thursday, January 24, 2013

A Poser

I sit here and stare at the wall clock hanging on this aged wall of where i reside. It is with wonder I absorb the detail the time is telling. It is almost 3:30am and I am still awake. in fact, for approximately 1 month now my affair with insomnia is becoming intense. Up until now i was of the thought that it was cool till whatever it was that hit me today, i wouldn't have given much it attention.  It is probably that moment of epiphany some search for all their lives. I'm yet to scream Eureka!!!  

Maybe i'm still too young to adopt this philosophy, this religion of probability or this level of intensity. But the recent feelings of confusion is not one that goes away with the night as I welcome  the morning, it haunts my waking hours if I get to sleep at all. if I don't, it looks at me with arms akimbo as if posing the question 'will you acknowledge me now?' .

The problem is I do not know exactly what I should be acknowledging, nor why I should. I just feel, No I think, that there is something i'm yet to align with. i'll trust my head than i'll trust my heart, emotions are easily induced, wise king Solomon told me this. My thoughts are in a blender, the exact contents are unknown to me the thinker so i cant say for sure what the mixture will be. in a sentence, confusion is confusing me.

If there is ever anything as the right thing happening at the wrong time, or doing the right thing at the wrong time, or having the right thing at the wrong time or being the right person at the wrong time and vice versa i'd like to borrow the idea. it saves a lot of questioning and answer searching parade that will further confuse the confusion i'm in.

They say the only constant thing is change, and as we grow, not necessarily in age, our wants, needs, likes and dislikes change too, its a constant 'upgrading' or 'downgrading' its free traffic, you choose your highways. So sometimes, what you wanted before might not be what you want now. Other times, its just that you don't want anything because you really don't know what you want.  Even if  what you have is good and someone or some people are telling you how lucky you're, should that be all? Now i have a poser for you, if what I have now is what I do not want and what I want is what I don't have - Am I heartless if i pursue what i want? or am I stupid if i take my time to find out what i want? really want? 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I LOVED A PROPHET.....

I got a job as the Human Resources Manager in a firm in Enugu where I applied to without my parents approval. My parents were easy to  win over after I accepted the job offer and a few visits from relatives. It would be my first time in the Coal city, and I was really looking forward to the trip.

The day of the trip finally arrived, with my mother’s teary goodbye like I was being conscripted into the Nazi army and Dad’s heavy sighs as Mr. Ganiyu drove us to the bus park/terminal. At the bus terminal I noticed that most of the passengers would be kids going for POST-UTME examinations and a few adults like myself. This bit of observation dashed my hope of making acquaintances with some people in the bus, aside that, I was thrilled. After loading my bags in the carrier, I say my own share of teary eyed goodbyes to Dad and Mr. Ganiyu after I which I got into the bus and found my seat.

It was a few hours into the trip that I met Benedict, he was in the seat in front of me and he nicely asked if he could recline his seat. At first, I was in awe I couldn’t do anything but nod my head. How could I have spoken when the beauty in front of me made words jam in my throat? I felt as if I had died and gone to heaven.
“I’m Benedict Ohia”  with hands outstretched towards me. “I…am…er…. Fo…Folake Randall” taking his strong lean hands .
“Nice to meet you, Folake”
Hearing my name from his well sculpted mouth made my tummy flutter; he’s practically sucking up all the air in the bus. After he sat back down, I couldn’t help but fantasize about the Being seated in front of me. Its not as if I haven’t  seen ‘finer’ guys before or I haven’t been attracted to a man before, but this, this was different. The image of his perfect white set of teeth flashed through my eyes when I replayed the moments of our introduction. I was smitten!
A couple of hours later we arrived at Benin for a break. By this time, i really wanted to see him again. Thoughts of how I would see him before we got here didn’t yield results, I thought about going to the restroom but it was behind me and not in front. I thought of asking him to push his chair forward a bit but my better sense said I would sound inconsiderate. After much thought I decided to wait till we got to Benin.  I got on myself absorbed mode and headed to the canteen, stylishly scanning the perimeter above my shades. This at first was frustrating as I didn’t see the object of my fascination, I walked to the suya spot and that was where I saw him, standing there looking all edible and appealing than the roast. I was walking over to where he was standing when I noticed he was carrying a handbag, I momentarily had a heart attack! He was with a woman already! I  was really heart broken.

 It is about 2pm when we boarded the bus back, so it was certain we’ll get to Enugu late. I wasn’t worried as a driver would pick me at the park. Just when we got into our seats and made sure everyone was in, the bus refused to start. Hell! This wasn’t what I planned at all o. everybody was cursing and ranting and blaming and saying all sorts. We all got down again so the bus would be fixed. I couldn’t find him anywhere in the crowd and I concluded he was somewhere with ‘Le Boo’. After like an hour while we were still waiting for the bus to be ‘well’ again, when frustration has found its way to my body I heard him from behind me, his voice was like the symphony of angels, music to my ears.  It took luck to control all the wild spirits in my body, I wonder how I managed to stay calm.
“Folake, how’re you holding  Up?”
“Ehm….fine, I’m fine thank you” I almost killed myself here for not being able to talk properly.
“Are you worried you’ll get to Enugu late?
“Well, yes. Considering it will be my first time in the city”
“Oh really? I was coming to that question  wetin Yoruba Girl dey find come our side?”
“looooool, I just got a job in Enugu”
“wow that’s nice! You have family there?”
“No, I’ll be all by myself. I already got a place at CBN Quarters Trans Ekulu”
“Ah, that’s nice too”
I was going to ask him what he does too when we heard the announcement asking us to board our bus back.
“Back to the sick boring bus again, I wonder when or if we’ll get to Enugu this night”
“Well, I guess it’s all part of the experience for me. It’s my first time in a bus” I really was a bit embarrassed saying this, I felt like a spoilt brat.
“Ah, I see. So na because of you Bus spoil shey?”
“I don’t think so oo”
He flashed that smile again, to which I smiled back. For the third time in one day, he made my knees weak.

The elderly man sitting beside me in the bus decided he couldn’t continue on the journey as he was scared it would be dangerous and that it is almost impossible to get to Enugu this night as it was almost 4pm. After a little bit of reasoning I and Benedict tried to state, we let him be. Benedict decided to sit beside me throughout the remainder of our journey to Enugu. As we proceeded into our journey to the coal city, I and Benedict got talking, and I realized it wasn’t just his good looks that probably attracted me to him, he held his own in our conversation, he was very insightful and was open to various points of views. I was still skeptical about the handbag I saw with him earlier that I couldn’t stop myself from asking if he was with his wife or girlfriend, He laughed at the question and said he just helped an elderly woman hold on to her bag because she went to use the rest room. It was as if his answer was the last barrier stopping kanji Dam from overflowing, at this instant I knew I had fallen for this guy staring at me with such brilliant eyes.  At this point I was completely lost in him, staring at his mouth as he was talking, imagining them on mine, observing the hand that caused something equal to an electric shock earlier that day, his long lean body that I imagined was covering me in a very warm embrace. I must say, I was just watching him talk; some of what he said didn’t get to my ear. I was however interested in how he was saying it, his every gesture or facial expression fascinated me. I was lost, lost in a man I just met today. For the first time in the 24years of my life, I want a man, I want this man.

Getting to Asaba, our Bus stopped again, something was faulty somewhere else. Secretly, I was happy, I didn’t want my time with Benedict to end, and we talked about almost everything-Aspiration, education, politics, economy, relationships and religion. We stood a little bit away from the passengers, who were now thinning as some refused to go beyond Asaba for fear of dangerous roads ahead at this time of the evening, almost 6:30pm. We were few, including Benedict and I who decided to go through with the journey to Enugu. I had to explain to my parents what happened and that I was fine for like the one millionth time of that day. After the fault was resolved again, we proceeded to Onitsha.
We got to Onitsha some minutes after 9pm, and the driver said he wouldn’t proceed on the journey as it was dangerous. We were to sleep in the bus in the park! A wonderful twist in this journey I thought. Benedict said it wasn’t his first time. By now, it was obvious we had an attraction; I thought he can’t be that oblivious to not have noticed. We sat in the bus, in the dark, with the cold of the open area starting unholy desires in my mind with the being sitting next to me. It tipped when he put away the hand rester in between us and said I could rest on his shoulder if I wasn’t comfortable.  From putting my head on his shoulder, we went to him drawing me close to himself,  he was stroking my hair and caressing my cheeks. When he tipped my face to kiss me I did not know, I only know the warmth and sweetness that greeted mine. His tongue went deep, searching the depths of my passion and torching them with desire. The kiss was long and deep, and it ended abruptly. He pulled back and apologized profusely, . I guessed it was all too fast for him, but right now I don’t care. I have never been kissed or touched like that, and I wouldn’t like to be turned on and off like a light switch. Without shame or hesitation, with darkness as our blanket I reached for him and drew him to me, I kissed with the same amount of beautiful torture he meted.
In between ragged breaths and strong need, we started fumbling with clothes, unhooking bras, unbuckling belts and removing any other obstruction to our sexes. I was liquid and he was solid, unseen desire raging between us was pure gas, ready to catch fire. There and then in the darkness of a bus, on a cold night in Anambra we justified sin, the soft moans and tangling of legs, repeated entry and withdrawals, mumbles and extinct language, muffled cry of sweet releases, we bonded and unified in passion, oblivious to the cold hard bus seats against our skins. It was epiphany, the climax of the orchestral piece.
In minutes, passion was spent. Reason came back, but pleasure refused it stay. We sat quiet for a while, till he told me it was his first time, it wasn’t mine so I asked him why a handsome and appealing young man like him was kept till a few minutes ago, he replied saying the choice he made for the rest of his life was the reason he had, I didn’t want to know what it was. All I knew was that the chemistry we shared was a perfectly balanced equation. Already I could picture the new life with him in Enugu. I drift of in his arms and this time Morpheus was easy on me.
I woke up later in the morning, a bit strained from the uncomfortable posture in which I slept but still jelly legged. It took a few seconds to get my bearing and notice he was looking at me, this time the spark in his eyes was gone and a drape covered his eyes like curtains on a window.  I was scared he was regretting our intimacy last night, but he was still holding me so it couldn’t possible be the issue.  But still, his heart and mind was heavy, like he was a bearer of bad news who suddenly lost the zeal for his job. I wanted to ask him, but it didn’t sound right,  I didn’t Have any relationship with him (yet), I’m just somebody he slept with in a bus. Gosh!  How decent of me.
We continue the journey in silence, snuggled up in his arms till he dropped the first bombshell.
‘how old do you think I am?’
Why? I think 25 and above.
I’m actually just 22.
Reasons why his age doesn’t matter started to fly  through my thoughts, like the passion in his veins.
I looked up at him, I told him I didn’t mind. I thought my answer will remove the darkness in his eyes and herald light but it only seemed to worsen. Like he wanted me to mind, really mind that I was 2 years older.  The beautiful man, I met, fell in love and slept with in the coverings of a bus yesterday was now so distant, this made me realize how very little I knew about him, I knew a lot about him my mind tried to justify – I knew the colour of his eyes, I knew the softness of his palms and the ruggedness of his hands, I knew the taste of nectar because it was in his tongue, I knew the rhythm of his heart beat  because I set the tempo in passion, I knew the contours of his frame because I explored it, I knew him because he was in me damn it! Why is he so aloof now? Though his hands were wrapped around me the warmth was absent. It upped and left without warning of its intended departure.

‘Folake……I’m going to be a priest’
‘A priest what kind of priest?’
‘A Reverend father, I’m taking my oath in two months. And what we did, shouldn’t have happened if I had a little more self control. I'm sorry I didn’t tell you earlier..its just…it was all so consuming…the lust’

I look on at him as he spoke in a foreign language I miraculously understood. He will be a Reverend
Father, and he’s taking his oath in two months. Two months is enough time to make him change his mind, to make him want to spend his life or a fraction of it with me as mine.   I can make him love me as I have come to love him so shortly, yes I do, I do love him. He’ll love me. I touched an anointed and and I'm loving a prophet a demon must be residing in me.
Scenes from earlier start to flash in my mind, his charming smile, that same mouth on my lady lumps. His hands now withdrawing from me, holding and caressing my silhouette a few hours ago. We’re almost at the bus terminal, the juncture at which I hold on or let go. He’s looking at me intensively, like he wants me to come with him, but his attitude is betraying  his look or am I misinterpreting it?

I haven’t said a word  since his speaking in tongue session, as we make to alight the bus at the terminal. With my broken heart and further broken pieces of it, with courage or rather shameless need for this man I stood up and looked him in the eye and it ended the debate my minds were deeply engaged in –to let him go and serve God or to make him change his mind and stay with me instead. Between yesterday and today I have come to know passion and desire, and this man contained it. But he needed me to let it out, I released the Kraken. And what I see in his eyes right now is a ‘don’t let me go’ the epiphany  I longed to find, he was saying lead and I'll follow I reach out and take his mouth in mine, and this time its strawberry. Maybe I should let him go, maybe he should be a priest, maybe I’ll be condemned . But right now, with how I feel, I’ll stand before God on judgement day and defend this action of touching an anointed and loving a prophet.