‘I
have to do this’ Chidi said to himself as he was walking down the hallway of
the hospital, it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. It was a calculated risk
yes, but his calculations didn’t go this far. Counting his steps, he got to the
door and took a deep long breath. As he entered, he felt a band pull across him
as his chest tightened. It took a force bigger than him to help him keep his
balance. He didn’t know what to do; he needed to break the ice so he bent down
to peck Nneka, He could have sworn he saw Grace move. He moved on to where
Grace was lying, mustering all the courage he needs that he wished he had.
Slowly he sat beside her and stared blankly for a while, gathering his thoughts
confused as to where to start from. He’s always been a good talker, but at this
moment words failed him, his whole self failed him. ‘Grace……honey’ He hesitated
to go further ‘I wouldn’t try to justify this sin I’ve committed against you’.
His voice cracked, it was harder than he thought. He knew for sure when a tear
rolled down his cheek. Grace blinked, surely that must be a sign she was
listening……He didn’t know that was the last she heard. Grace had slept in
peace.
’you
weren’t supposed to find out this way, we were going to tell you when you came
back’ he struggled to contain the emotions, he wouldn’t cry.’ I loved you
Grace, I still do’. But we drifted apart these few years; you were always
travelling, always busy. You didn’t even notice that I redecorated the bedroom
a month ago; till you had to find a file you kept. He could remember the
heartbreak this caused him, especially when he asked her if she liked it and
she said she was indifferent. ‘It wasn’t me anymore that made you happy; it was
work, your work. I became secondary in your life. I missed those times you used
to look at me like I meant the world ’I wanted those times back……. I…..I wanted
them so bad’ ‘I wish I was Man enough to tell you I needed you’ he tried, maybe
he didn’t do it right. Putting his hands on his face to cover the shame he felt
‘my God Gee I even thought there was someone else’.
‘Not
to say it’s your fault and not to justify my wrong but you pushed me away Gee,
I’m only human. Nneka and I were lonely, we needed you but you stopped needing
us’. Turning to look at Nneka, he was shocked by the look on her face. She
looked stoned; shaking like a leaf in the July storm…he didn’t want to believe what
her eyes were telling. Turning reluctantly to look back at Grace, air was
trapped in his lungs. All he could say was ‘no’ whimpering like an injured
puppy. No!!! Gee no!!!!!! Oh GOD please no! Doctor!!!!!!’
Grace
was white as white, she just lay there motionless. Grace had slept……finally.
Chidi was oblivious to the happenings around him, the mad rush of the doctors
and nurses and the words they said, he knew they were screaming but he wouldn’t
hear, he could only feel the weight of the world and their sins upon his
shoulders, and he wanted to run away, go back in time and undo everything
perhaps remove himself from their lives. Grace and Nneka would have been
perfectly fine without him, He was bad luck already, he loved them both so much……..Nneka
was over him now, she was saying something he could not hear, screaming down at
him, why? He wondered, perhaps the pain in his chest made it impossible to
hear, and it was blocking off light too, night was coming too fast. Now, he saw
Angels in white or were they the doctors? He tried to speak but he could not…..
Chidi
was having a heart attack…….
