My
emotions right now are in a blender, I do not know the contents so I can’t say
for certain what the outcome will be. I think this was how Eve felt when she
ate the forbidden fruit so sweet at first, but acrid moments later after the consequence.I had known
it would be like this i think, what I didn’t know was what my reaction or my mental
state will be like. My mum had walked in on me and her husband, my father (not
biological) in the act that started my journey into being. I saw the hurt and fury in her eyes, and the
words she struggled hard to not say. She was defending me and expected no blame
from me when she asked Chidi…Dad how he could do this to us, he was trying to
talk but she wouldn’t listen. The thought of her innocent little daughter being
defiled cut deep. I do not know where
the will came from; perhaps Aphrodite was bored and chose me to carry fearless desire at
that moment. I, without shame, told mum that I and Chidi, Dad, were in love. I
felt and saw her die a million deaths. She just stood and stared at me, the
courage that kept me standing there with the sheets covering the little of what
has been revealed I did not know where it surfaced from. Replaying those
moments in my head right now, I wish air would willingly refuse to bring life
to my body I really shouldn’t have let the affair happen or let her find out. Chidi
and I have been having an affair since I turned 20, three years now and it
could have still been counting. In the moments of entry and withdrawal or the
touches and feelings before and after it, I did not see him as my father. I did
not see him as my mum’s husband either. He was a man almost twice my age that I
fell in love with, or is it lust now. Mum finding out wasn’t a topic of
concern, as mum never noticed; she wouldn’t even have given a wild guess on our
affair if her life depended on it. She
really never was around that much; I justified it by saying she didn’t care,
right now I feel worse than Judas for that betrayal, perhaps I should find a
field and hang myself. Chidi attended all my school meetings; games and
debates. He practically was responsible
for me as a being. He was even the first to know when Aunty Red came through my
legs. We, we just happened or did we?
I’m thinking we made it happen.
Sitting
here in the hospital is torture, torture to my mind, torture to my mental
state. I’m offering Silent prayers to God though I doubt he’ll listen to a soul
gone as mine, that mum would wake, she would open her eyes and she would talk
to me, even if she told me she hates me. Chidi left about an hour ago to change
his clothes; I wouldn’t dare move since we came here that would translate to
more condemnation, sitting there worried stiff was the beginning of my penance;
One that I do not know when it would end, one that wasn’t prescribed but my inner
priest commanded. The call informing me
of the accident was the Armageddon for me, I looked for death and it despised
me. The only thing that ran through my head was that I have killed her with my
sinful self. I felt guilty; I am guilty, guilty without trial.
Her
eyes flutters, I freeze. She opens them; she looks around and finally rests her
gaze on me, in that milli second I look away, at nothing exactly. I can’t look
her in the eyes, all what I planned to say or do erased itself from my brain,
induced amnesia I would say. I wouldn’t even move. I do not know what she is
thinking; even if I’m offered to I wouldn’t listen. I’m sure she hates I am
here. Chidi walks in, I’m relieved to share the hatred in the room with someone
else. He pecks me, I think I saw Mum move at that gesture. He looks around
before settling to sit on the bed with mum, she looks at him and now I can look
at her. He is saying something I choose not to listen to, at this point I still
can’t gauge what I’m feeling or what I should be feeling. I was beyond
confused. Mum is not looking right, her eyes are struggling to not close, I
wanted to scream but my voice refused instructions from my brain. Chidi turned
to look at me, still words fail me, and I wanted to tell him mum was leaving but
I couldn’t. He read my expression and screamed for the Doctor. In a rush,
everybody is in here, talking, screaming running up and down the room. Chidi
looks white, like he is turning into stone after seeing Medusa’s eyes. A nurse holds
him before he falls; she is saying something like he is having a heart attack. I’m
over him now telling him not to leave me too, ‘don’t leave me here too!!!’ He
doesn’t listen, he’s refusing to listen. At this point I feel funny, I can’t
say where the elation came from but I have this strong urge to laugh, and laugh
I did. I continue laughing and I think I heard someone shout ‘Hold her o!!!!’
I’m wondering who they want to hold, I’m also wondering why they’re trying to
hold me instead. Are they mad?
