Triangle: Nneka

My emotions right now are in a blender, I do not know the contents so I can’t say for certain what the outcome will be. I think this was how Eve felt when she ate the forbidden fruit so sweet at first, but acrid moments later after the consequence.I had known it would be like this i think, what I didn’t know was what my reaction or my mental state will be like. My mum had walked in on me and her husband, my father (not biological) in the act that started my journey into being.  I saw the hurt and fury in her eyes, and the words she struggled hard to not say. She was defending me and expected no blame from me when she asked Chidi…Dad how he could do this to us, he was trying to talk but she wouldn’t listen. The thought of her innocent little daughter being defiled cut deep.  I do not know where the will came from; perhaps Aphrodite was bored and chose me to carry fearless desire at that moment. I, without shame, told mum that I and Chidi, Dad, were in love. I felt and saw her die a million deaths. She just stood and stared at me, the courage that kept me standing there with the sheets covering the little of what has been revealed I did not know where it surfaced from. Replaying those moments in my head right now, I wish air would willingly refuse to bring life to my body I really shouldn’t have let the affair happen or let her find out. Chidi and I have been having an affair since I turned 20, three years now and it could have still been counting. In the moments of entry and withdrawal or the touches and feelings before and after it, I did not see him as my father. I did not see him as my mum’s husband either. He was a man almost twice my age that I fell in love with, or is it lust now. Mum finding out wasn’t a topic of concern, as mum never noticed; she wouldn’t even have given a wild guess on our affair if her life depended on it.  She really never was around that much; I justified it by saying she didn’t care, right now I feel worse than Judas for that betrayal, perhaps I should find a field and hang myself. Chidi attended all my school meetings; games and debates.  He practically was responsible for me as a being. He was even the first to know when Aunty Red came through my legs. We, we just happened or did we?  I’m thinking we made it happen.

Sitting here in the hospital is torture, torture to my mind, torture to my mental state. I’m offering Silent prayers to God though I doubt he’ll listen to a soul gone as mine, that mum would wake, she would open her eyes and she would talk to me, even if she told me she hates me. Chidi left about an hour ago to change his clothes; I wouldn’t dare move since we came here that would translate to more condemnation, sitting there worried stiff was the beginning of my penance; One that I do not know when it would end, one that wasn’t prescribed but my inner priest commanded.  The call informing me of the accident was the Armageddon for me, I looked for death and it despised me. The only thing that ran through my head was that I have killed her with my sinful self. I felt guilty; I am guilty, guilty without trial.

Her eyes flutters, I freeze. She opens them; she looks around and finally rests her gaze on me, in that milli second I look away, at nothing exactly. I can’t look her in the eyes, all what I planned to say or do erased itself from my brain, induced amnesia I would say. I wouldn’t even move. I do not know what she is thinking; even if I’m offered to I wouldn’t listen. I’m sure she hates I am here. Chidi walks in, I’m relieved to share the hatred in the room with someone else. He pecks me, I think I saw Mum move at that gesture. He looks around before settling to sit on the bed with mum, she looks at him and now I can look at her. He is saying something I choose not to listen to, at this point I still can’t gauge what I’m feeling or what I should be feeling. I was beyond confused. Mum is not looking right, her eyes are struggling to not close, I wanted to scream but my voice refused instructions from my brain. Chidi turned to look at me, still words fail me, and I wanted to tell him mum was leaving but I couldn’t. He read my expression and screamed for the Doctor. In a rush, everybody is in here, talking, screaming running up and down the room. Chidi looks white, like he is turning into stone after seeing Medusa’s eyes. A nurse holds him before he falls; she is saying something like he is having a heart attack. I’m over him now telling him not to leave me too, ‘don’t leave me here too!!!’ He doesn’t listen, he’s refusing to listen. At this point I feel funny, I can’t say where the elation came from but I have this strong urge to laugh, and laugh I did. I continue laughing and I think I heard someone shout ‘Hold her o!!!!’ I’m wondering who they want to hold, I’m also wondering why they’re trying to hold me instead. Are they mad?

TRIANGLE: Chidi

‘I have to do this’ Chidi said to himself as he was walking down the hallway of the hospital, it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. It was a calculated risk yes, but his calculations didn’t go this far. Counting his steps, he got to the door and took a deep long breath. As he entered, he felt a band pull across him as his chest tightened. It took a force bigger than him to help him keep his balance. He didn’t know what to do; he needed to break the ice so he bent down to peck Nneka, He could have sworn he saw Grace move. He moved on to where Grace was lying, mustering all the courage he needs that he wished he had. Slowly he sat beside her and stared blankly for a while, gathering his thoughts confused as to where to start from. He’s always been a good talker, but at this moment words failed him, his whole self failed him. ‘Grace……honey’ He hesitated to go further ‘I wouldn’t try to justify this sin I’ve committed against you’. His voice cracked, it was harder than he thought. He knew for sure when a tear rolled down his cheek. Grace blinked, surely that must be a sign she was listening……He didn’t know that was the last she heard. Grace had slept in peace.

’you weren’t supposed to find out this way, we were going to tell you when you came back’ he struggled to contain the emotions, he wouldn’t cry.’ I loved you Grace, I still do’. But we drifted apart these few years; you were always travelling, always busy. You didn’t even notice that I redecorated the bedroom a month ago; till you had to find a file you kept. He could remember the heartbreak this caused him, especially when he asked her if she liked it and she said she was indifferent. ‘It wasn’t me anymore that made you happy; it was work, your work. I became secondary in your life. I missed those times you used to look at me like I meant the world ’I wanted those times back……. I…..I wanted them so bad’ ‘I wish I was Man enough to tell you I needed you’ he tried, maybe he didn’t do it right. Putting his hands on his face to cover the shame he felt ‘my God Gee I even thought there was someone else’.

‘Not to say it’s your fault and not to justify my wrong but you pushed me away Gee, I’m only human. Nneka and I were lonely, we needed you but you stopped needing us’. Turning to look at Nneka, he was shocked by the look on her face. She looked stoned; shaking like a leaf in the July storm…he didn’t want to believe what her eyes were telling. Turning reluctantly to look back at Grace, air was trapped in his lungs. All he could say was ‘no’ whimpering like an injured puppy. No!!! Gee no!!!!!! Oh GOD please no! Doctor!!!!!!’

Grace was white as white, she just lay there motionless. Grace had slept……finally. Chidi was oblivious to the happenings around him, the mad rush of the doctors and nurses and the words they said, he knew they were screaming but he wouldn’t hear, he could only feel the weight of the world and their sins upon his shoulders, and he wanted to run away, go back in time and undo everything perhaps remove himself from their lives. Grace and Nneka would have been perfectly fine without him, He was bad luck already, he loved them both so much……..Nneka was over him now, she was saying something he could not hear, screaming down at him, why? He wondered, perhaps the pain in his chest made it impossible to hear, and it was blocking off light too, night was coming too fast. Now, he saw Angels in white or were they the doctors?  He tried to speak but he could not…..

Chidi was having a heart attack…….

TRIANGLE: Grace's side.....

 'Nneka is staring at the wall, I’m sure she’s wondering why I wasn’t gone'. Nneka has always been beautiful; a younger version of her she heard people say, her long silky brown hair and fair skin. She always got attention anywhere she went. Especially with that smile of hers, her dimpled cheeks, she was a taker.  She couldn’t bear to look at me, this much I know because she’s been fidgeting with her fingers since I rested my eyes on her. I know she wants to cry, she stares blankly like that when she’s trying to hold the tears back. Grace never knew it would happen so, she was hoping for forever. Chidi walked in, as usual with his almighty self. His shirt was usually impeccable as it is today, the only surprising thing was that he was wearing jeans. He stopped wearing them at 35 when he told Grace he was getting too old for them. She laughed at the silliness of the thought. Chidi always knew how to hold his own with younger men. Now he’s young eh? The man she married  died two weeks ago she likes to think, Chidi is just occupying his body. This was what she consoled herself with.

That pain surged up when Chidi bent to kiss Nneka on the cheek, her daughter. It was his daughter too legally. Grace had Nneka when she was 15, the seed of a forbidden fruit she ate. She married Chidi at 26; Nneka was 11 and was as tall as she was. She was delighted at the bond they developed even when they were courting. Though they didn’t have kids of their own, Chidi loved Nneka and she loved him back. It was just recently she understood the love they shared. She wondered if it ran back to 12 years ago or if it’s just blossoming. ‘They could have at least spared me, I wasn’t dead. At least not yet'. I was lying there, watching them, wanting to speak, to scream, to haul something at them but I couldn’t’. 

It’s the second week she’s been here. She wished she could reverse time and live in denial. Grace was supposed to come into the country on the 16^th and not on the 15^th of July when she suddenly showed up to find her husband in bed with a woman, not just any woman her daughter, their daughter. There and then they tore any garment of shame they might have had left and declared undying love for each other. Chidi was talking now, he was saying something about getting a divorce and starting a new life……that was the last she stayed to hear. She couldn’t breathe; the room must have been sucked up. She had to get out! She grabbed her keys and left. Chidi wouldn’t dare chase her in his state of Adam before the fall.  She knew she was in the car, she knew she was driving but she didn’t know where to, at least she knew why. Her husband, her man was confessing love for her daughter, her happiness. Nneka is just 23 godammit! How could Chidi take advantage of her like that? Like a death reminder Nneka’s words echoed in her head ‘I’m in love with Chidi mum’ Chidi? Not Dad. This definitely was a dream, so she thought because all she saw right now was two big lights and the relief it brought to her when it came on her. She found herself here when her eyes opened. It dawned on her she was hit, and she was in the hospital. But, she couldn’t move.

Chidi sat beside her now, his face looked sorrowful. He was saying something but she couldn’t hear, she wanted to but a calmness was filling her, the bliss she had known flashed through her eyes, definitely that wasn’t a tear she saw in his eyes……she tried to look again but all she saw was darkness……Grace had slept In pain with hope to rest in peace.