Triangle: Nneka

My emotions right now are in a blender, I do not know the contents so I can’t say for certain what the outcome will be. I think this was how Eve felt when she ate the forbidden fruit so sweet at first, but acrid moments later after the consequence.I had known it would be like this i think, what I didn’t know was what my reaction or my mental state will be like. My mum had walked in on me and her husband, my father (not biological) in the act that started my journey into being.  I saw the hurt and fury in her eyes, and the words she struggled hard to not say. She was defending me and expected no blame from me when she asked Chidi…Dad how he could do this to us, he was trying to talk but she wouldn’t listen. The thought of her innocent little daughter being defiled cut deep.  I do not know where the will came from; perhaps Aphrodite was bored and chose me to carry fearless desire at that moment. I, without shame, told mum that I and Chidi, Dad, were in love. I felt and saw her die a million deaths. She just stood and stared at me, the courage that kept me standing there with the sheets covering the little of what has been revealed I did not know where it surfaced from. Replaying those moments in my head right now, I wish air would willingly refuse to bring life to my body I really shouldn’t have let the affair happen or let her find out. Chidi and I have been having an affair since I turned 20, three years now and it could have still been counting. In the moments of entry and withdrawal or the touches and feelings before and after it, I did not see him as my father. I did not see him as my mum’s husband either. He was a man almost twice my age that I fell in love with, or is it lust now. Mum finding out wasn’t a topic of concern, as mum never noticed; she wouldn’t even have given a wild guess on our affair if her life depended on it.  She really never was around that much; I justified it by saying she didn’t care, right now I feel worse than Judas for that betrayal, perhaps I should find a field and hang myself. Chidi attended all my school meetings; games and debates.  He practically was responsible for me as a being. He was even the first to know when Aunty Red came through my legs. We, we just happened or did we?  I’m thinking we made it happen.

Sitting here in the hospital is torture, torture to my mind, torture to my mental state. I’m offering Silent prayers to God though I doubt he’ll listen to a soul gone as mine, that mum would wake, she would open her eyes and she would talk to me, even if she told me she hates me. Chidi left about an hour ago to change his clothes; I wouldn’t dare move since we came here that would translate to more condemnation, sitting there worried stiff was the beginning of my penance; One that I do not know when it would end, one that wasn’t prescribed but my inner priest commanded.  The call informing me of the accident was the Armageddon for me, I looked for death and it despised me. The only thing that ran through my head was that I have killed her with my sinful self. I felt guilty; I am guilty, guilty without trial.

Her eyes flutters, I freeze. She opens them; she looks around and finally rests her gaze on me, in that milli second I look away, at nothing exactly. I can’t look her in the eyes, all what I planned to say or do erased itself from my brain, induced amnesia I would say. I wouldn’t even move. I do not know what she is thinking; even if I’m offered to I wouldn’t listen. I’m sure she hates I am here. Chidi walks in, I’m relieved to share the hatred in the room with someone else. He pecks me, I think I saw Mum move at that gesture. He looks around before settling to sit on the bed with mum, she looks at him and now I can look at her. He is saying something I choose not to listen to, at this point I still can’t gauge what I’m feeling or what I should be feeling. I was beyond confused. Mum is not looking right, her eyes are struggling to not close, I wanted to scream but my voice refused instructions from my brain. Chidi turned to look at me, still words fail me, and I wanted to tell him mum was leaving but I couldn’t. He read my expression and screamed for the Doctor. In a rush, everybody is in here, talking, screaming running up and down the room. Chidi looks white, like he is turning into stone after seeing Medusa’s eyes. A nurse holds him before he falls; she is saying something like he is having a heart attack. I’m over him now telling him not to leave me too, ‘don’t leave me here too!!!’ He doesn’t listen, he’s refusing to listen. At this point I feel funny, I can’t say where the elation came from but I have this strong urge to laugh, and laugh I did. I continue laughing and I think I heard someone shout ‘Hold her o!!!!’ I’m wondering who they want to hold, I’m also wondering why they’re trying to hold me instead. Are they mad?